Present Over Perfect: A Mother's Confession

Present Over Perfect: A Mother's Confession

I have been trying to sit down and write for a couple days now but it seems the weekends have brought us such great weather that we have been taking full advantage of pool days and beach days lately so "alone" time to reflect has been sparse this weekend. I did get some time on Thursday to journal and spend a moment of solitude with the Lord & noticed myself praying and thinking about the mother i am and the mother i strive to be.  I noticed the burden that I choose to carry, I noticed the mound of bricks piling up on my back as my pen wrote down each prayer request that had been on my heart that morning.  I was so lost in asking Jesus questions about decisions I make daily in raising our son, in being a wife, in being a working mama and how my time is spent. I live with this voice in my head that is always asking me if I'm being enough or doing enough for Cash.. I have such a deep desire to be the mom he deserves, to love him every moment of every day, to show him Christs heart, to make him laugh and enjoy life, to protect him, to teach and guide him, & to help him along.. but when do I turn that voice off? When do I just trust that Jesus chose me? I know He did, and at times I am so confident in loving my son how he needs to be loved. When I see his face light up with a huge smile I know he is right where he is supposed to be.  But just because I know something doesn't mean I always believe it.  There are times when I question myself, "should I be cleaning or getting outside with this little guy on my day off?", "should I be going to the store or giving Cash a bath with daddy", "should I be heading to the gym for an hour or spending it with my guys"?  I hope I'm not the only mama who thinks about these silly thoughts.  I know I can't do it all, and I know its healthy for me to get things done around the house and have "me" time.  But that doesn't mean that mama guilt doesn't come creeping in once in a while.  I became aware of what I was doing the moment I opened up the book I've been reading, "Bread & Wine" by Shauna Niequist. I had put the book down for a several months while life had been too busy for leisure reading, and im so glad I picked it back up that morning right as I was in prayer and conversation with God. 

Here's what she had to say that spoke so wonderfully to my heart. In this chapter, Shauna is talking about Christmas time and the craziness that we subject ourselves to when we dive head first into overconsuming, overindulging, over doing everything.  I think it applies to different seasons in our lives, not just Christmas time... at least I can admit it does for me in this seasons of being a new mama:

"Either I can be here, fully here, my imperfect, messy, tired but wholly present self, or I can miss it--this moment, this conversation, this time around the table, whatever it is--because i'm trying, and failing, to be perfect, keep the house perfect, make the meal perfect, ensure the gift is perfect. But this season I'm not trying for perfect.  I'm just trying to show up, every time, with honesty and attentiveness...

...In our lowest, most fragmented moments, we feel out of conrol--controlled, in fact, by expectations and to-do lists and commitments and traditions. It's that time of year, we shrug, when things get a little crazy. No avoiding it.

But that's not true. And that's shifting the blame. We have, each one of us, been entrusted with one life, made up of days and hours and minutes. We're spending them according to our values whether or not we admit it.

..When things are too crazy, the only voices I hear are the voices of fear and shame. I stop being able to hear the voice of God, the voice of rest, the voice of hope and healing and restoration, the voice that gives new life to dry old bones. And instead I hear that old song I've heard all my life: You're not good enough. You're not good enough.

But that voice is a life. And its a terrible guide. When I listen to it, I burn the candle at both ends and try to light the middle while im at it. The voice of God invites us to full, whole living--to rest, to abundance, to enough.  To say no.  To say no more.  To say I'm going to choose to live wholly and completely in the present, even though this ragged, run-down person I am right now is so far from perfect.

Let's be courageous in these days. Let's choose love and rest and grace.  Let's use our minutes and hours to create memories with the people we love instead of dragging them on one more errand or shushing them while we accomplish one more seemingly necessary thing.

..I pray that we'll understand the transforming power that lies in saying no, because it's an act of faith, a tangible demonstration of the belief that you are so much more than what you do".  

Jesus knows just what we need. He speaks so clearly to my heart when I seek Him. I am so thankful for clarity, for rest, for the voice of hope and restoration.  I am so grateful for the reminder that again, I do not have to be perfect, or be super mom, but just to be me & know that I am enough, and me being present is all that is important. 

I don't know about you but I'm feeling refreshed!

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Xo

Our Baby Is 6 Months Old!: Happy Half Birthday Little One!

Our Baby Is 6 Months Old: Happy Half Birthday Little One!

he sure loves that paper at the Dr's office!

Tried some organic brown rice cereal for the first time at 6 months old to the day!

He didn't have an extreme reaction, he seemed to like it i think

Kisses from Grandpa in Aspen, Colorado

Laying with mama who was sick with the stomach flu.

I love his facination with shadows.

He basically just kills me when he barries his head into my chest and wants to cuddle.

Wearing his Broncos onesie watching the big game.

Hes pretty excited to show off his two new bottom teeth!

And of course playing naked for a bit in the morning (;

I am fighting back tears as I write this post. Its not because im sad that he is growing, changing, learning, expanding, exploring, becoming even more loveable and fun! I love every minute of being a part of that! I think its really about fear of the future.. the unknown.  Cash still seems so small and sweet and is my little baby. I don't look at him and see a big boy or think hes grown too quickly, as some moms feel. I love the pace that he has grown, my heart can handle this pace so far. So i suppose listening to so many mother's say over and over how quickly they grow (myself included at times), scares me. I suppose I am waiting for that one day where I wake up and he has grown SO much over night. Or theres a week where he goes through a miraculous growth spurt that just blows my mind and my baby is gone. The more I really think about that subconcious fear and bring it to my concious thoughts, I hear how irrational and silly it sounds. So I am going to try my best to let go of the worry that my baby will grow quicker than my heart can bare. I am going to enjoy every moment as I have been, encouraging his milestones, teaching him more every day, and when those days come when I have to pack away more and more clothes that no longer fit him, I will thank God for my son who is growing healthily, who is able to have a deeper relationship with his father and I the smarter he becomes, who can see God more and more the more he learns about life, and that he is alive and well.

That brings me to my brother Brock. Brock passed away before I was born. He was born on my moms birthday and he passed 6 months later on my dads birthday. He died from SIDs (Sudden Infant Death Syndrom).  Devastating. Painful. Despair. I cry when I think about the hurt my parents must have faced. I don't think I ever understood how intenstly that must have hurt growing up.. but having my own son, who is now 6 months old to the day, my heart aches so badly for my parents. I think about how they must have felt losing their first and only son at the time. . that must have been earth s h a t t e r i n g. It would break my soul. I wanted to share this in todays post because of all the moms that follow this little blog of mine.. if any of you have faced this hardship, I am so so so sorry. I want you to know you have a friend in me and if you ever want to talk or need prayer, I would love to be able to be that person for you. I also wanted to share some hope with you. My parents are believers in our Almighty God, they trusted Him with their sons life, they trusted His plan and the path that He chose for their little family. My mom says to this day that Brock was an angel baby, he was perfect in every way, a gift to them. She says at the time my father didn't know the Lord and she had been battling an eating disorder, Brocks dead led my dad to salvation in Christ, it also helped my mom find the healing she needed. She was able to overcome her disorder and find freedom from those shakles.  Brock saved them both. I wouldn't be here today if he hadn't had passed. Neither would my little brother. Our family, my parents, and my four siblings had such a great life growing up together, we are all so very close and I can see how Gods hand was all over our family. Our family is what it is today because of Brock. My moms story, my parents faith together, that has all shaped us in extraordinary ways. I am reminded of how majestic our Lord is and that even in tragic moments in life, we can trust He is soveriegn. Brock, we will see you in heaven someday soon, I cannot wait to meet you and hold you.

Cash, you are a mother's dream come true. We love every part of you. Here are some beautiful things about you this 6th month:  You laugh like crazy, we're talking belly laughing at its finest, you smile all day long, you understand some of things we say ("im going to get you.." that is your favorite! You crack up when we say that), you look when we call your name, you sit up all on your own without assistance (sometimes you topple over so we put the boppy behind you for extra safety), you have managed to live 6 months without 1 single injury, you had your first cold this month (thanks to your cousins, lol), you went on your first airplane (to Aspen, Colorado), you are still exclusively nursing (we are introducing solids today!), you can't keep your hands and toys out of your mouth, you had two teeth cut through this month on the bottom, you only cry when you are tired, hungry or dont feel good, you are starting to try to wiggle and move, you roll all over the place, you sleep on your side, you love to bounce, you are a mamas boy, you think daddy is the funniest person on the planet, you are a cuddler, an observer, and both super calm and a little wild rascal. You are the greatest gift God has given to mommy and daddy adn we thank Him every single day for you.  

Cash you are everything to mommy and daddy, we love you!

Happy Half Birthday our sweet little love!!!