Thursday, September 1, 2011

I don't ever want to forget.

       These words will stick with me because I don’t ever want to forget.  The place I’m in right now in life is so nerve-wrecking, anxiety provoking, and stress inducing, and yet at the same time its exhilarating, faith-building, and full of God’s glorious wonders happening right before my eyes.  I feel as though I have been called to a position to counsel people who are in the midst of struggles, pain, and suffering.  I know my calling is to be used as God’s instrument to help others find truth, freedom, healing, and His all-surpassing love.  He has brought me to a venue where i can live out my purpose and shine His light into people’s lives, into the darkest places that no other power, person, or thing can touch.  These deep, painful holes that torture people day after day and keep them chained up bounded by their secrets, isolated in their brokenness, and lying on the floor curled up in a ball trying to hide from it; that darkness, it needs His light.  I have found so much joy and honor to sit with people, just like myself, and normalize the pain, the questions, the confusion, and help them find peace.  To discover one’s passion, one’s story, one’s purpose for all the pain they’ve kept inside burrowing deep within creating deeper holes that eat away at their being; well nothing is more liberating than finding meaning for it all.  I have the second best view as I watch along side the Lord and see what He is doing in another human being’s life.  His very hands at work, like a surgeon strategically and carefully cutting away at the old damaged pieces of us and reconstructing new, beautiful, healthy ones.  What a vision, what a miracle, what a job!  I will work anywhere He wants me, and as i do i know i will find fulfillment in it because thats His promise.  He will meet our every need.  He has and He does and He will.  
So, I find myself questioning and doubting His promise at times?  Why, must I give in to the world, give in to the temptation of worrying and obsessing on “the unknown”?  Well, this is because I’m human, I’m broken, I’m flawed.  I won’t always keep my eyes on Him, but I can try my best to.  I can give my best shot every day to live for my Father and follow His Will patiently and trustingly.  And when I don’t, when I become distracted, fall short, or backslide, thats okay, because He knows I’m imperfect AND He knows my heart.  He knows I want to know it all, have it all planned, and sometimes I try to control everything myself instead of surrendering to Him.  He knows that sometimes I get ahead of myself, that sometimes I think I know whats best for my life more than He does.  He laughs at myself with me.  He shows me that being human is difficult and He understands.  And all along He shows me compassion, love, and grace and leads me back to the straight and narrow..right back to Him, to the light.
This is my reminder, when I feel overwhelmed, burdened, and/or stressed, I will remember that He has a plan far greater than any plan I could create for my life.  I will remind myself that these moments where I am working for barely any income, that these were the times when I was closest to Him.  I find myself leaning further and further into Him daily because of the place I’m in.  I need Him, I need His direction, guidance, and comfort.  I need His assurance that He has my back.  I draw closer and closer to Him for strength, encouragement, and answers.  I pray on my knees for my clients, for my fellow employees, for our business, for my walk with the Lord, for my family, for my friends, for my future husband and his passions and purpose, and for myself that i never ever forget these tough times that show me how much I need God. 

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