We Have A Baby & He Is One Month Old
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body" - Elizabeth Stone
My baby boy is already one month old, where do I even begin with how beautiful and special this past month has been?
I could never imagine what it would be like to be a mommy. The moment he was placed on my chest I instantly fell in love.. it was so surreal, i could see myself in him, i created this being with the person I love most in this world, my husband. It was an INSTANT love... I think thats how God intended for it to be. Being a parent gives us a glimpse into the love our Lord has for us. I cannot even imagine how He possibly loves us more than I love this little person.
The first moment I found out I was pregnant (read story here: http://tessarayanne.blogspot.com/2013/01/exciting-news.html) was not how I imagined itd be. But it was perfect. It was so special because it brought me even closer to my husband. In a time of need he was really there for me. Something that could have really tested us in our first 6 weeks of marriage, united us as one and strengthened us because we had God at the center and knew we could trust in Him because this was Him at work and His hand that created this life inside of me. We were so happy, so grateful, and instantly we loved this little baby inside my womb. I want to reflect back to how grateful I am for the incredible journey of pregnancy, I honestly already miss it.. i know, i know, it sounds crazy.. I never thought I would say it, but I really do miss the experience, and it seems so far in my past already .. Its almost like I dont remember what it was like because its such a magical feeling that only when you're pregnant can you feel that supernatural experience (if that makes any sense, maybe you mamas know what i mean). I was always terrified of pregnancy..being out of control with your emotions, your body, you dont feel like yourself, you are uncomfortable, so much can go wrong with you and the baby, and i had heard horror stories about labor and delivery... but that was not my experience at all. I loved every moment of pregnancy. I want to say thank you Jesus for such a wonderful pregnancy, labor and delivery, and for the greatest gift in this perfectly healthy baby boy. He couldn't be any sweeter, he is such a playful happy soul, we couldn't love him any more. We are so excited to watch him grow. Its a battle within my soul because I long for him to stay dependent on me for his every need, to be able to cradle him, cuddle him, protect him and keep him my small little baby forever, but I also dream about the moments that lie ahead.. moments where I will watch him become a big brother, walk for the first time, discover his talents, watch him create art and be playful, listen to him sing songs and laugh, become the man of God that I know he will be.. these moments sound so sweet and warm my heart to just think about. I believe being a parent is the most important role in the world. To be able to guide someone, shape them, lead them, & love them into being who they were created to become is such a rewarding and incredible gift. It is also terrifying, demanding, and requires a ton of prayer, responsibility, thoughtfulness, love, selflessness, and patience. I know I was meant to be a mommy, my heart wants so badly to do everything it can to give this boy of ours the wonderful joyful life he so deserves... I feel like my entire perspective on life has changed, my meaning for being alive has expanded & become something entirely new and much more fulfilling. I live and breathe for my boys. I want to be a better wife so I can be a better mommy, I want to be a wonderful mom so I can be an even greater wife... it goes both ways. I have so much more to learn in life and so many years ahead of me but I truly feel a huge shift has taken place in me.. this shift is more like a tidal wave that has taken over my soul... I exist to serve Jesus, I've known this sacred lesson for some time now... but He has put this new burning desire in me along side of being a light for Him.. to be all that my family needs me to be.. to shine bright for them, to be my husbands other half & my children's safety that they can rely on. I want to be a better woman. I want them to be able to count on our marriage, to be confident in our love, to never question the security they can find in our family, in our home, in our Christ centered relationships with one another. I will live to make these humans happy, healthy, joyful, and spiritually fulfilled in Christ the best way that Jesus shows me how. I cannot put into words the feelings that I have about this, this is the best I know how to explain it. Maybe its unexplainable.. love, that is. Maybe its love that I cannot explain. Maybe my heart is so full of love that my being has changed. And maybe this is just a fraction of what God feels for us & thats just it, its unexplainable, agape LOVE. A love that has no conditions. Im still figuring it out. But i know this much, this first month of being a mother & a wife to my boys has been the most trying month, but the best month of my life...& i owe that all to the love that has consumed my heart. God is doing amazing things in this little family of mine. I may not always give Him the thanks that He SOOO deserves, so taking moments like this remind me of how blessed I am.. I deserve nothing, & I am so grateful for all my Father has gifted me with, thank you Abba. To Him be the glory!
I want to forever remember these precious moments and all of his firsts. It is the best feeling to hold your baby in your arms and know that they are forever yours. When he looks up at me i know that I am all that he sees, he makes it known with those pretty blue eyes that I am everything to him & he trusts me... THIS IS what life is all about. This is truly living. I see life in him and through him. I see our Father's wondrous work in this beautiful and perfect being. The touch of his soft skin & tiny hands and feet, his chubby delicious cheeks, those lips that were made red and juicy for kissing, his sweet scent that i cannot get enough of, his fragile body that needs my protection, his adorable smile that just wrecks me in the most perfect way, the back of his neck is softer than velvet, his tiny little buns that fit in the cup of my hand, his eyes that I see myself in, the way his chest lifts while hes breathing, the adorable faces he makes while hes dreaming, his every whimper, coo, grunt, squeal, and cry make my heart sing... every little bit of you Cashy just fills your mama to the brim.
All is well with my soul.
Happy Birthday to me! Little man is 1 week old here
Every morning i make a point to cuddle this little muffin... not that i have to try, hes so delicious that i cant wait for morning when i get to grab him out of his bassinet and cuddle him close (we cosleep if hes having a hard time sleeping or being noisy).
His lips just kill me.
My first outing by myself with Cash, coffee date of course (and much needed i might add)
Catching some sun rays with this little 1 week old cutie pie
Those little legs and feet!!
First smiles captured on camera (3 weeks old).. he is such a happy little babe